Realise you have been a people pleaser with no sense of self

Someone once looked at me and (a bit rudely) said, “wow you really have no sense of self”. They were expressing a realisation they were having and although it stung a bit I couldn’t be too upset as I knew they were right. I measured who I was against whatever other people needed me to be. I’ve done it my whole life. Now there’s a term for it – high masking – but I wasn’t aware that was what I had been doing. This is the impact after doing it for over forty years though.

I worked out a way of belonging, of not being rejected. Find out what that person needs you to be and be that. The cost was so high though. It meant a lifetime of ignoring my inner voice, ignoring my body signals, suppressing any part of me that felt uneasy. It was people pleasing on a grand scale. I was so scared of not being accepted. The alternative a loneliness so crushing that I didn’t know how to bear it.

Find yourself on a coaching course – Who am I?

In an attempt to become better at showing people I was listening to them (for the record I was always listening, I just didn’t know how to communicate that well) I signed up for a coaching course through work. It led to the biggest turning point in my life so far.

One of the exercises was to send a text message to some people who know you well and ask them to give some words to describe you. My mum couldn’t come up with anything. My sister sent back things that hurt and didn’t describe who I thought I was at all. The only people who said anything that resonated were a close work colleague and my husband. But even they didn’t hit the mark. I couldn’t find myself in their views. They didn’t know who I was. And, even more worrying, I didn’t know who I was. How were other people supposed to know who that was if I didn’t have enough sense of self to show them? I didn’t know what to do and it was really frightening.

Have an existential crisis

It really bothered me, that I couldn’t actually grasp who I was, what I wanted in life, what was important to me. I had been a box of mirrors for so long that the thought of lifting the lid and finding it empty was frankly terrifying. I had to write an essay for the coaching course about my personal development. One of the themes that started to come through was that I was a Human Doing and not a Human Being. All my bids for connection were based on my interpretation of what I thought the other person wanted. I was often wrong and often pushed too hard and put people off. It clearly wasn’t working for me.

I loved being a coach, my sense of curiosity about what people thought was actually an asset here. Taking the pressure off of myself to work out how I was to respond was so liberating. It wasn’t about me, it was about them. My anxiety about behaving in the right way could stand down. The feedback on my practice sessions was so positive. I had found the validation I was looking for and it was like basking in the sun. But I knew it was still coming from outside me. The person inside still didn’t have a firm sense of self and couldn’t coach herself.

Trust your coach

Working with a coach really gave me space to stop focusing on other people and really look inside in a safe, compassionate way. It was a slow and complicated process this building my sense of self. Okay, when I lifted the lid on the mirrored box it wasn’t exactly full to the brim. Similar to the chest in Harry Potter that Professor Moody is kept in. A subdued figure that nobody knows yet, curled in the foetal position at the bottom of lots of steps. But at least I was in there.

Thrive during a global pandemic

Sometimes it takes forces outwith your control to effect a change and that’s what happened. I now know my story is shared with so many other people, particularly those who have been cast into a typically female role. All the relentless structures of society came to a crashing halt with the lockdowns of the pandemic. And lots of stuff came bubbling up.

For me the first big realisation was that I was happy. For the first time in such a long time. Being at home with my family was a gift I didn’t think I’d get. I worked so hard for them but it took me away from them so much. Physically by being out of the house and, in the evenings, mentally. Drained by my interactions with people at work all day. Ferrying them to and from out of school activities and trying to squeeze out some time to decompress in between. I hadn’t realised my introverted nature until it was supported by the lockdown. Yes there were the stresses and worries of being in a pandemic. For me I could think clearly for the first time in such a long time.

I don’t know if anyone else remembers the feeling of cleaning your room as a teenager and feeling like a whole new person. That was what happened to me. All the noise and chatter was stripped away. I was left with myself and those I loved the most in the world. My life took on new rhythms. I could walk outside in nature (my favourite thing) with our new puppies. I could use my firehose of attention to understand what my children were going through. At work I was able to secure a promoted post, feeling valued for who I was as well as what I could provide.

Go back to the start, people please

With the lifting of restrictions so returned my interactions with more and more people in my life. Iit was almost too easy to slip back into old patterns. My temporary post came to an end. I went back to pouring myself out all day every day in an attempt to feel that sense of value. Unsuccessful attempts at applying for new jobs and a realisation that although I had done so much work on finding out who I was I still didn’t know what I wanted. It was easier just to go along with what other people thought I could do well.

The sense of comfort and ease I had while working from home was fading. I spent every moment with others, in an office or out on work visits. The old patterns came back with a vengeance. Crushing myself on the wheel so that other people might see me in a favourable light. My fragile sense of self was gladly sacrificed to be seen to be doing a good job. That attempt at trying to prove my value has been both my undoing and my salvation.

I took a temporary opportunity to cover for a colleague’s illness in a different location in a fast paced environment. My new colleagues were finding the challenges of their role incredibly difficult. On paper I have the knowledge to do well here and I feel passionately about the work. Indeed all the feedback was that I was doing a great job under difficult circumstances. That people felt supported and seen. I was so pleased. And yet, I was the unhappiest I had been in such a long time. Feeling so stressed, burned out and unable to recover at the weekends. Neglecting my own family to support others and being physically absent for longer periods of time as I attempted to assimilate into a new workplace culture.

Look at yourself, painfully

I had no time to stop and look at myself with anything other than criticism for not being able to manage this life. Then, a lifeline. An opportunity to try something different came along. I was supported to apply for a post that my imposter syndrome almost stopped me from going for. I was successful. I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to put into words what the last few months has meant to me. It also came at the same time as my ADHD diagnosis.

It was like everything aligned in a way that it hadn’t since the pandemic. And this time I found myself at home, alone now with everyone else back out in the world. Healing, resting and doing a job well within my skillset but that interested me enough to keep me super productive without it feeling like a drain.

Find yourself in tiny ways

I started singing again. I’m writing again. And I’ve started having space to know things about myself. I did some work on my character strengths and thought about how I’m working now aligns with them and how the way I was working before was in opposition to them. When I had done these exercises previously they had been a bit tick box for a course I was on and I didn’t remember what they were, let alone recognise them in my life. This time though I had a sense of my own self for the first time. There was enough space to grow into.

And the best part is, I’ve started to find love. In myself and for myself. It hasn’t been easy and its still a bit of a practice. Journaling has really helped here and a lot more meditation. I found it so hard to meditate when I was super busy but now I’m able to find that quiet place and let the world fall away. I’m also finding peace and patience in a way I never had before.

More coaching

I know this current job is only temporary but I’m proud of being able to call on the help of others to navigate the next steps proactively. Previously I would have thrown myself into my old job and habits straightaway. But this time its different. I signed up for wellbeing coaching provided through work to give me space to explore what I want from my life now that I have a better understanding of who I am and what I need in order to thrive. It doesn’t align with my day job particularly but that’s ok, at least I will be able to recognise the stressors that before I couldn’t see. And I have other things now that I do that recharge me when I’ve had to expend my energies elsewhere. In that, I hope, I will be able to recognise the right move to make when it arises.

More activity

In the meantime I write. I write like I can’t stop. I journal and I write for work and in between I write this blog and poems and the words spill from me like a torrent. Helping me to understand my racing brain and to lower the water level in my bucket so that I have enough space for the things in life that set my soul on fire. I read and think and listen to podcasts and words fill every crevice of my life. And I’m thriving in my newly discovered sense of self.

My world is full of ideas and thoughts and words and less full of people that I don’t choose to spend my energy on. My walks are full of joy and gratitude and not another job to tick off the list before I go to work. I know its coming to an end and so I’m finding every joyous part and celebrating it. Capturing what it is that I find is working for me and using my busy brain to work out how to keep some of that as change comes.

I rest. Rest and don’t feel guilty about it. I rest and don’t feel I’ve had to earn it. I build it into my day with meditation and habit stacks that include reading novels and drinking spiced orange tea.

And in that rest I am healed from trying to live a life that others thought I should live.

And in that healing I sense my self, I find myself, and I’m learning to love who I have found.