As I returned to blogging again after my ADHD diagnosis in October I had been taking some time to process what it meant for me. At the time I laughed off the fact that there was no available treatment for me on the NHS. The ban on prescribing to new adult patients had come in two days before my diagnosis appointment. There’s an ADHD medication shortage globally but I’ve waited 45 years right?

Sort of right…. but also sort of wrong. I’m not sure that it is right to give someone a medical diagnosis and then make them wait for five months with no care. Not a follow up discussion appointment, no offer of someone to talk to, just a gaping void that cannot be filled because the psychiatrist’s hands are tied. I understand the pressures of the system. I’m so passionate about our national health service and incredibly grateful for the work done by those who work in it. But I’m still struggling.

A million strategies

I have carefully honed routines that balance meditation, exercise, and a myriad of things that don’t come naturally to me. I have a big job doing something that I love that fills me with purpose. I’m trying to balance being a working mum of teens with being a functioning member of society with friends and hobbies. Its all quite fragile though and some days it takes every ounce of my will just to keep moving forward.

It isn’t in the “I’m too depressed to endure this” type of way. Just in the same way I imagine that marathon runners feel when they hit the wall. They like running, they entered this particular race and have worked hard to be good at it. I am bone tired and taking all my mental energy to continue to put one foot in front of the other. That doesn’t leave a lot of capacity left for loving presence with my cherished ones (or vacuuming it turns out!)

Wish I didn’t have to bargain and fight with my brain in order to get it to help me. The peace I can create with all my strategies can be shattered so easily. By a strong emotion brought on by parenting, by a news article, by competing demands on my attention. I just want it to be a little bit easier. A little less frantic, and a lot more reliable. This variability is exhausting.

What’s the answer?

For now, its rest. When I can’t stop the churning with exercise or meditation or distractions like reading I have to just CTRL+ALT+DELETE. Try again next time. I also need to free myself of the shame that comes with having variable performance and the worry that I’m letting people down. I’ve worked myself to burnout my whole life to feel capable and didn’t accept that there’s some things I’m not capable of without help until my diagnosis. It feels like the wind has been taken out of my sails and I’m left drifting about on the open seas. Except… there are people who need me. And I need to be able to function.

Maybe I need to be more kind to myself too. If this was a physical diagnosis and, for example, limping on a bad knee had begun to hurt my other hip, I’d be so much kinder to myself about resting. But that’s the problem with a brain. You don’t consider your knee to shape your identity but your thoughts and emotions shape who you are. Its a tough thing to try to reconcile that with the knowledge that when things are going well you can achieve so much. Possibly even more than others because of the hyper focus that can be harnessed. But when it can’t be you are just left standing in a field with a rope and a bucket of oats, hoping that your wild horses will get tired soon and come home into the stable to rest.

So what’s next?

Honestly I’m not sure. I’ll wait to see if and when the prescribing limits will be relaxed and the ADHD medication shortage resolved. It was supposed to be resolved in December and now its March. A continued over reliance on enough caffeine to give me eye twitches and heart palpitations. And a continued gratitude for my commitment to pulling the blanket of my life a bit closer round me and not over extending myself. So much self compassion and care. Lots of rest. And hope.