The sense of self reliance and independence I have developed (or perhaps was born with and cultivated further) has helped me navigate so many aspects of my life so far. Neurodivergent people often have to develop a strong sense of resilience. They exist in a world that can be confusing and unsupportive. There’s a Scottish word to describe women like me, “thrawn” and it pretty much means stubborn, hard headed or single minded. It’s not always used as a compliment! How can I blend this with my deep desire for connection with others?
There’s a commonly held belief that people with ADHD hear more criticism than their peers as they grow up. Michael Jellinek ball parked the figure at 20,000 corrective or negative comments by the time an ADHD child is 10 years old in his 2010 study. That has to have an effect on people as they form their ideas about themselves. For me one of the effects was just to do things myself. My trust in others has never been great. Its hard to build with people who tell you you’re getting it wrong all the time. So I got on with things myself. And this was even before the advent of the internet!
Building the lone wolf heart
One of the other effects was to build a little internal shell that only certain people get inside. If people are going to hurt you then its only natural that you develop an armoured heart against the continual onslaught. Being sensitive to rejection and with a swirling brain I have decided (often wrongly) what someone is thinking about me before they have even had to consider me at all! So I developed this hyper independent, I can go it alone sort of style. Connection with others was less important at that point than protecting myself against the pain of rejection.
Don’t get me wrong, its proved incredibly useful in getting to goals I have set out for myself. But as I have more space to think about what I want from my life next I realise there are more people in it and the load is shared. It’s not been easy and I have had to be kind to myself as I learn which people to let in, and how far. My heart is tender inside that shell and easily wounded. The carefully cultivated veneer of competence is easily cracked but I am learning that that’s how the light gets in.
Asking for help has never been easy for me but I am realising as I progress down this path that it’s ok to approach others for support. To acknowledge that the end product will actually be better if I can harness more perspectives than my own and (despite my best attempts) I’m not actually supposed to know everything! My attempts to read the whole internet before bed may disagree!!
Go further together, not faster alone
The best part of this though, is the sense of connection I am finding. Letting people see the real me and (mostly) they like what they see. My wounded little girl inside feels really good about this. But still I’m cautious, it doesn’t always go right and its painful when it goes wrong. But one of the benefits is resilience so I’ll just keep trying for that connection with others. The payoff is so high.
Learning to be vulnerable
Brené Brown talks about the power of vulnerability a lot. When i read her books I couldn’t really relate it to myself but there was one idea that stuck out. That vulnerability needs boundaries. Most aDHDers that I know will be familiar with the oversharing struggle, the vulnerability hangover and the analysis of every conversation after the fact wondering why you can’t just stop talking three sentences earlier. I really struggle with boundaries. They are either too high or they are non existent. I find it really hard to draw a circle round my chaos! And its hard to know what your boundaries are when you don’t actually know who you are. As you’ve been told that who you are and how you operate is wrong or weird 20,000 times before you were even 10.
So I think that this is why things are improving for me now. I’m finding out who I am, what’s important to me, what signals my body gives me that I can interpret as information (my exploration of Alexathymia is a whole post on its own) and have enough brain power left over to be present for my family. I feel properly rested for the first time in years and more aligned with what is right for me. The paradox is that I had to be really alone to appreciate how best to work with others.