Some people form consistent habits easily without having to think through every step and make a decision about each one. And they can even do this without switching their brain on at all. This is a recent revelation to me. I don’t have that kind of brain and I didn’t know that. Doesn’t everyone lie in bed in the morning before they open their eyes and tried to think through every aspect of their day, every step of their planned route for walking the dogs, whether they have enough energy for a shower and if the outfit they want to wear is in the wardrobe or the wash?

I had no idea that this, among many other things, was the reason I was exhausted. Because in the midst of all those thoughts someone in my family would need me. Or they would reach out to me for connection or love. And the thread would be lost, I would panic as I scrambled to pick it back up again – if I could just rehearse this conversation and play both parts perfectly then when I meet that person I’ll be able to feel like i have some control over things. That I’m not a chaotic, rambling fool, bouncing from one idea to the next and giving the impression that I’m flakey, vacuous and uncaring. Telling myself I’m going to be all the things I want to be – a good listener who makes other people feel seen. But then i have to shift focus, I’m all out of energy and the trousers i wanted to wear are still in the washing machine (and lets be honest, probably need re washed)

So what you gonna do about it?

So, because I’m an avid reader and researcher I’m going to read every book on how neurotypical people build habits, remain consistent and are able to intentional. My deepest desires. And thanks to BJ Fogg it almost worked! Only one problem. I’m not neurotypical and i didn’t really know that. I just thought I hadn’t unlocked the trick that other people knew. That my manual was missing a chapter and i was having to work hard to fill in the missing parts. The problem with that is that it becomes a bit like Rachel from Friends making her trifle. Without an innate understanding of the cuisine my trifle too had a layer of beef sautéed with peas and onions!

So what do I do when people need me to be consistent and I can’t shoehorn my way into it? How do I form consistent ADHD habits? I’ve found with most things it starts with me. Absolutely my family and work need me to show up consistently and not to vary wildly in my performance, but in order to do that I have to prove to myself I can do it for me. That comes with its whole heavy load of feeling worthy enough for it.

And so the solution to that was to make it tiny. I’m worthy of some tiny things. Like clean teeth, regular medication (although sadly not any for ADHD yet due to the #globalshortageofADHDmedication) and some basic skincare. I’m also worthy of rest. And if I can just do some meditation for 10 minutes after I wake up i will have staved off the spiralling thoughts and given myself some peace.

So in order to work with my brain instead of against it… I have to let go of my desire for a clear, clutter free surface in my bathroom. My medication and skincare has to sit beside the sink in order for my brain to remember that it exists. I have to let go of any sort of decision making in the morning. So my clothes for walking dogs are in the bathroom, ready to be put on. My headphones are by the bed with meditations already chosen (and this is done in one burst of focused creativity when I’m feeling motivated, not as a daily task)

What’s the secret?

Now that those things have become a bit more embedded I have unlocked a secret. For me its not about ‘eating the frog”. I need to start with a task that’s almost imperceptibly small and snowball them from there. Its not meditating for 20 minutes, I’m putting in my headphones when I switch my alarm off. It’s not going for a 30minute walk in the mornings. I’m just putting the clothes on that are in the bathroom after I’ve been to the loo. Some days I can add more tasks to the snowball and some days I can’t. But i’m not measuring success by productivity. Just by showing up.

One of the reasons I can do that is because I’m not in survival mode just now. And I can’t overstate that enough. When my nervous system is jangling at a million miles an hour because i haven’t understood or recognised what I need, let alone worked to give myself it. I fall into bed in a state of wired exhaustion and ruminate on everything that wasn’t achieved that will need to be slotted in amongst the challenges of the day ahead. That panic means I get up with decision paralysis from the moment I start my day. Frustrated by the affections of my family, resentful of having to try to meet their needs (even if that is just a need to consistently understand how loved they are). All the while the time is ticking away to get out of the door and start the work and school day.

Doing this day after day leads to burnout and stress and for me, a life that I have needed to make huge changes in.

So in order to make a huge change I now know to make the smallest change I can and trust the process. It’s been every day since January 1st now that I’ve meditated, taken my tablets, brushed my teeth and done some skincare. I’ve done at least some of the other steps of a morning routine that includes putting a load of washing on, unloading the dishwasher and looking after my family. Consistent habits in a way that works for me and that I can stick to! Success! It’s been every evening since January 1st that I’ve done skincare, read a book instead of doom scrolling and meditated before sleep.

The results?

I wake up happy. I’m not burnt out now. I care about people. I’m able to slow down and connect. I have good teeth and skin too! And I’m starting, in some small ways to feel loved. These small caring actions, built up through developing consistent habits, demonstrate that I can care for myself. This will snowball too into feeling like i can care for all the people I care for. And challenge the limiting belief that I am inconsistent.